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It Ain’t Happening

“You never gon’ get a soulmate.

You never gonna meet the perfect person.

You never gonna meet someone that loves Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan. 

It ain’t happening. It ain’t happening.

– Chris Rock, Never Scared

 I’ve been a bit on a dating tear as of lately. I have no significant other to show for it, but it doesn’t mean that all those dates were in vain. I’ve learned a lot; about others, about myself, my shortcomings, and about life in general

Here are some lessons I’ve learned between dinner, drinks, and a litany of dudes:

  • Good rap” to a 24-year-old is much different than “good rap” to a 28-year-old. Those four years mark a staunch loyalty between the old and new schools of hip hop.
  • Don’t recommend someone you worked with over 3 years ago and barely spoke to at said job on LinkedIn. Because they will somehow take it as a sign to reach out to you and invite you out for drinks under the guise of “catching up”, but then will casually drop the term “deal breaker” in conversation and passively imply you are promiscuous and cite your blog as evidence of this.
    LinkedIn Recommendations: Just don’t do it.
  • It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a modern American classic and one of the damn best TV shows ever created.
    5 star man
  • There is a difference between wanting someone, and wanting to get to know someone.  It’s wise to figure out what you want from them BEFORE moving forward in any aspect with them.
  • Shared financial management skills are hot. You pay your credit card in full every month? Take me. Take me now. Let’s get to it on top of print-outs of that impeccable FICO score of yours. C.R.E.A.M, dolla dolla bills y’all.
  • It’s not exactly kosher to hook up with a friend. Or your local banker.
  • If you do know a friend likes you and there’s not reciprocal feeling on your end, always, always, always show kindness.
  • I’m not smooth at all. I tend to stick my foot in my mouth (or an awkward hookup situation) a lot.
  • 2 out of every 5 guys you date have built their own computers.
  • The best Twenty One Pilots music is the stuff not being played on the radio (ie, the first and second albums. I prefer Vessel.)
  • I’m not happy to report that something as superficial as height matters to me. I thought I was above that. Sadly, I’m not.
  • Women are not the only sex to act slave to their insecurities. So do men. I don’t care how hairy you think your back is, or the shape of your nose. I’m not apologizing for my dimpled, cellulite-ridden ass. Don’t feel you have to apologize for your self-perceived physical short-comings. I think you absolutely resplendent.
  • Rejection is a natural part of life. It’s understandable that things don’t work, and certainly not everything is meant to.
  •  That being said, no matter how brief the dalliance, it’s common courtesy to tell someone that you’ve been spending time with that you’re no longer interested in spending more time with them. Because the other alternative, “ghosting”, is an unfortunate millennial practice. And one that only cowards conduct.
  • Cowards come in all shapes and sizes, including 6’3 burly bearded Viking-like men.(Shots fired. Yes, I’m still salty)
  • There’s only enough room for one ginger in any of my relationships (that ginger being me)
  • Some people think that having a shared affinity for tennis and “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” means you have a lot in common. If this were the case, I’d be married with 6 children by now.
  • I’m pretty sure my soulmate is named Debbie, and she’s a 62-year-old mom of two from Long Island I met after a boozy brunch  by the Caesar’s Palace pool in Las Vegas. She was wearing a tennis visor, and I just HAD to talk to her.

Dating is tedious. It takes time, energy, and a vulnerability to not worry whether you put your best self forward, but your true self. And at the end of the day, while it is lovely to share life with someone, make sure that you’re fully invested in your own life, first and foremost. For all those hours you spend doing your hair, perfecting your makeup, and picking that cute outfit to impress someone, remember to cultivate your life, your interests, and leave time for the things that are important to you.

Because no one should fulfill your happiness other than yourself. Be there at 8:15 am on a Friday morning before work as a friend silently sobs into your lap on her unmade bed while you stroke her hair and promise her all will be okay. Take your father out to play tennis at every chance you get because you know these chances are fleeting. Cackle with friends over wine as you deconstruct the Kardashian clan web with written diagrams on paper plates. And curl up in bed at night with some of your favorite men; McCourt, Diaz, & Kerouac, and fall head over heels for phenomenal prose.

It’s your life. Don’t wait around for someone to make it better. Make it smashing yourself



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