Happy Ash Wednesday to my fellow Catholics and Christian brethren around the globe.
Today marks the first day of what is known in the Christian tradition as “Lent”, or what I lovingly refer to as #Jesus’40DayChallenge (start hashtagging it fam, let’s start a movement!) The interim period is supposed to be a time of penance and prayer, overall, just keeping it #ASHTAG #blessed. No, getting turnt on the wine at communion is not kosher. Trust me, I inquired within.
Besides abstaining from meat on Fridays, many take it upon themselves to give up a particular vice of theirs. As I am the most Catholic person I know [read: obdurate sinner], I’ve attempted to (and swiftly failed to) give up many things, including alcohol, cursing, and cookies.
If you looked at my scorecard, it would probably read:
Vices: Infinity +
But I’m hopeful. This year, in an effort that the clergy would probably deem, “blasphemous”, I’m making a list of everything I should (but undoubtedly will not) give up. I present:
The Vice Life: Err Edition
- Telling complete strangers that I am a Venture Capitalist.
- Starting movies after 9 pm on a weeknight, after I very well know I will pass out on the couch and wake up in my basement at 3 am disoriented and in a position that most likely resembles a pretzel.
- Jabbing my mom as hard as humanly possible in the neck while fleeing away giggling at own my shenanigans.
- CVS Self-Checkout. I’m 93% sure that it is, in fact, the devil.
- THE ENTIRE MALE POPULATION (the link is to the Wiki page of the word “man”, and they have a picture of Michael Ealy, which everyone should have the opportunity to lay their eyes upon)
- Not contributing to the Jimmy Fund everytime I go to the movies =(
- Calling my dog anything but his actual name. He has one eye, so more often than not I call him Sammy Davis Junior. His name is Wink.
- Capitalizing Angie’s name in my college friend’s group chat. Sorry ANG. Ugh, there I go again.
- Not opening my mail.
- Trader Joe’s Speculoos Cookie butter. Basically divinity in a jar.
- Burning pancakes.
- Just going to generalize here: stop being ratchet. It happens.
- Cease and desist giving strangers or acquaintances nicknames based on their aesthetic or a small personal detail about them:
Example: – A guy in college on the track team had long, flowing locks. So what did I call him that other people started calling him? Jesus Christ, Track Star.
- Breaking and/or losing 3/4 of all of anything I touch in a given day.
- Running into my kitchen and kicking as high as possible just so my dad says with force, “This is not a dojo “