A Fresh Start…
A Clean Slate…
A Chance to Change….
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
When the clock struck twelve and the large shimmering ball in Times Square made it’s final stop, people all over the world committed themselves to a new year. A year of health, productivity, wealth, love, and a myriad of other resolutions.
Do they keep them? Not exactly. Have I in former years? Meeeeeeeh.But hey, new year, new me, AMIRIGHT?
As we’re well into the
first second week of 2016, and in the spirit of change and honesty, I thought I’d share my resolutions. I’ll stick to a few, forget a couple of others, and hopefully get incarcerated for at least 1 of them.
1. Find Love.
I’m talking ’bout that Jada & that Will love, that leave your tooth brush at your crib love and you ain’t gotta worry whether that’s your kid love. How am I going to do it? Easy. See carefully crafted plan below:
A. Meet J.Cole.
B. Either by his choice (preferred), or by a Kathy Bates & James Caan captured à la Misery situation, begin to date (or keep hostage) J. Cole.
C. Consummate the relationship. *Lights please, lights please*
D. Marry J.Cole.
E. Have a beautiful family.
F.Live the Dream[ville].
2. Get Fit[err]
After hours of studying fitness and nutrition, I’ve fully committed to a workout regime that’s tried, true, and that has been around for over a decade! Watch out, #FitFam, we got some new #Fitspo on the horizon! The results include, but are not limited to getting me the following:
– a rapper (Would greatly aide me with resolution #1)
– an NBA player
– at least a dude with a car
THANK YOU KANYE – THANK YOU!
3. Ball harder.
And by ball, I was talking about tennis, of course. Ball is life.
I’m aiming to better my tennis game this year by being absolutely ruthless in my on-court form, fire, and the fear I instill in others. Resolution #2 (get in shape) will without a doubt turn me into a trim tennis champion, but the other half of the game is mental. John McEnroe once said, “I’ll let the racquet do the talking”, which is pretty ironic, considering John McEnroe was known for his nefarious on-court arguments and tantrums. As seen below:
So instead of letting my racquet talk, I myself am going to talk – so. much. SMACK. To the point that I’ve offended at least everyone at my match and my opponent wouldn’t dare get on the court with me again. My inspiration is the ever-volatile Aussie bad boy of the tennis world, Nick Kyrgios. His sledge game is so strong that he doesn’t let the white painted lines of the court limit his targets. No, no, no. Instead, during a match against French Open champion, Stan Wawrinka, Nick informed Stan that Stan’s current girlfriend has also *ahem* played with another pro tennis player and close friend of Nick’s, Thanasi Kokkinakis (I’ll let you try to annuciate that one yourself)
May my shade thrown not be insipid, but just as inspirational as above.
4. Cease & Desist Doing My Own Eyebrows
It’s one thing to take artistic license when decorating a room.
“And we’re just going to add that candle right….there. These 17 candles go great with the 34 ornamental pillows I have on my bed. I might not be able to sleep on my bed, or light any of these candles as this room is now a grade-A fire hazard, but it looks so good. Call me Joanna Gaines & give me a TV show, HGTV”
BUT, when dealing with hair that grows on your face, you’re playing with fire. Too much plucking and pruning and snipping and shaping and your eyebrows will be as shiny and shimmering as the bare skin on Whoopi Goldberg’s nonexistent brow. But, don’t maintain it at all and you might as well grab a basketball and join your fellow unibrow brother, New Orleans Pelican’s Anthony Davis and “Bow to the Brow”. There’s a fine line between “bad bitch” and “bad brow”, and it’s one you should only let a professional tread (& thread) on.
5. Write a Musical Utilizing Sean Paul’s Entire Musical Catalog
Because you’d all be lying if you say you would not buy tickets to that show. There would be ample dancing, Jamaican flags, and the sweet potent essence of ganja wafting over the crowd. A party isn’t a party until these melodic and pithy lyrics fill the air:
“One ting mi haffi tell dem Dutty got di woody woody
Frontway backway Dutty K man have di shooby shooby
Virgin dem waan gimme and mi have to tooky tooky”
– “Like Glue”, Sean Paul
And maybe sprinkle a few Shaggy songs in there too.
6. Learn the Word “No”.
7. Prioritize My Time
This may or may not include:
- Spend an entire afternoon in pj’s snuggled in bed, roll of cookie dough in one hand, and my tablet scrolling through pictures of Cam Newton in the other.
- Challenging myself to re watch as many episodes of Parks & Rec in one month as possible.
- Organize my closet using the Dewey Decimal system. No, I’m not sure how this would work either.
- Incorporating regular siestas into my day. Fun and functional.
8. Don’t Get Vaccinated for the Flu Twice
Forgot I got it…week later shot me up again. #HEALTHYAF