“I’m not a player, I just crush a lot”
– Rapper Big Pun, my newly adopted spirit animal
Out of the hundreds, thousands, and quite possibly millions of words that compose our dialogue and decorate our discourse, it’s jarring that there’s only one term that adequately describes when we are attracted sexually, intellectually, and otherwise to another human. And while it may even sound juvenile to say, I think we can all admit that, well – we’ve all had a crush.
Whether it’s the quiet girl donning the cat-eye spectacles that works in the library, your tall, dark enigmatic coworker, or the boisterous brunette that you see out dancing every weekend – someone, somewhere gets your heart racing & your nerves a flutter. It doesn’t matter if they are made-up or dressed-down – they are absolutely resplendent in your eyes. An ever-present corona serves as a perimeter around their already perfect noggin (at least in your eyes). And you may or may not chronically picture the large blue house with the wrap-around porch your children Liesel, Friedrich, & Gretl (I’m quite smitten with The Sound of Music, if you couldn’t tell) will play on in the warm summer months. Oops.
Now, unless you are Casanova, Mila Kunis, or Ryan Gosling (more like Ryan God-sent, amiright?) it’s hard to remain suave and smooth around your crush. If awkward, embarrassing, and alarming actually seem to be the words that more accurately fit every interaction with said crush, fear not, because you are amongst friends. We’ve all had our Fogell moments.
The following are the expectations verses the realities of situations between you and you’re crush.
Expectation: Calm, cool, collected, you will easily say “Hello” to your crush like it ain’t no thang.
Reality:Out of nowhere, you are suddenly struck with a speech impediment, and instead of “hello”, you manage to muster what sounds vaguely like a “Helllleruuuujah”, but no one is quite sure. And then proceed to stand there, mouth agape. Mentally note that next time stick to just “hi” – anything exceeding one syllable seems a bit out of reach at the moment.
Expectation: Make eye contact, & warmly smile at crush.
Reality: Make eye contact with crush, but instead of smiling, somehow lose all nerve and dart your eyes away quickly. My god – I made eye contact with him/her. They MUST have seen into my soul and now they know I’ve been pining for them. I feel just like that guy in Love Actually who creepily stalked Kiera Knightly! WHY! LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY! ABORT ABORT! FACE DOWN –MOVE QUICKLY! UGH! Cover blown!
Expectation: Crush asks to borrow random, small item, such as pencil, pen, piece of tape, etc. You gladly pass it over.
Reality: You fumble through your bag, and instead of offering just one pen, you give them the option of black, blue, an erasable, a gel pen (in assorted colors), your great-grandfather’s most prized ball-point pen, and even an entire collection of various sized sharpies. You want to appease them no matter the means. Here, take a pencil too – just in case!
Expectation: You see your crush at a party, and decide before proceeding to approach & seduce them, you will loosen up & drink some liquid courage.
Reality: Well, after one you lose count. Suddenly your liquid courage transforms into liquid chaos and soon you’re that girl who is making out with a random party-goer on the pool table in the game room. Those carpet burns are going to be pretty hard to conceal tomorrow. For shame.
Expectation: Wear your most beloved shirt, or your favorite shoes, or whatever outfit that seems to make you feel your best.
Reality: Pressed pants, combed hair, you march to wherever your destination is and it turns out that your crush is absent. And you spilled coffee on the outfit. And broke a heel. Maybe even tripped and broke your nose. Oh no, here comes the blood. Where for art thou, dry cleaners?
Expectation: Just gonna find their Facebook page, see what their “about”, admittedly – you’re gonna stalk them a little.
Reality: You accidentally clicked “like” on a picture they were tagged in. From March. Three years ago. That they personally did not upload. Shit.